November is National Adoption Month and I have been thinking of a quote I once ran across: “By adopting, I was not a full-fledged mother in their eyes. I hadn't paid the price of pregnancy, hadn't earned the badge of labor or the award for delivery, and would forever be an outside --an associate member at best. I looked like the other women, but I felt like less of one.”
― Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother
I have sometimes felt this way. Not often, but on very rare occasions when someone makes a remark that highlights my different path to parenthood. I have had people tell me I had children the "easy" way, completely ignorant of the stress, work, and anxiety of the long bureaucratic process of adoption. I have also had people say they could never love a child that wasn't their own, as if biology was the only requirement for parenthood, But most of the time, I am perfectly happy with the twists and turns that led me to the children I have. I may not have earned a Pregnancy or Labor Badge on my Parenthood Scout vest, but I figured the other badges I have earned more than sufficiently make up for those.
The Paperwork Badge: We joke that if my husband Rich had had to deal with the paperwork, we would still be in the process of adopting. It is a LOT of detailed work. I had a binder, with a table of what papers were needed, where those papers were, when I mailed them, when I got them back, because it’s not enough to just GET the piece of paper, but then you have to get it authenticated. So I would be sending off papers I just got from their various entities (marriage license from SC, my birth certificate from Texas, Rich’s birth certificate from the State Department) back to their place of origin to be stamped that yes, these were indeed what they appeared to be. Then you have to get all that approved by the US government. Then the Chinese government also literally puts their stamp of approval on that. I had my own Fed Ex account just for this. I am not kidding. Not to mention we had to obtain employer and friend recommendations, had to get fingerprinted, and undergo medical examinations. Everybody and their brother and sister signed off on Rich and me becoming parents--family, friends, bosses, doctors, social workers, local law enforcement, and countless government agencies.
The Meltdown Badge: this is probably equivalent to Hormones During Pregnancy Badge. Pretty much everyone I know in the international adoption community had that ONE MOMENT where they totally lost it. A friend of mine kicked a tree (and you know who you are!). Me? I worked at home next to a high school. One lovely, sunny spring day I had my windows open and several teams were outside practicing their various sports and the INS (this is now the USCIS. It changed names twice during my adoption of three kids) told me that something I had submitted was not going to work and I had to go back and get it from the agency it came from even though it was 20 years ago AND ALL THE RECORDS HAD BEEN DESTROYED. I got off the phone, closed all my windows and sobbed loudly. I might have banged my head repeatedly on the desk. Cats scattered and hid. Windows rattled. I eventually managed to resolve this, but 20 years later, I can still remember the utter frustration of that afternoon and my deep conviction I would never, ever be a mother.
Travel with New Kid Badge: Remember I said someone told me I had kids the easy way? When they said that, my first reaction was to laugh hysterically. Then I launched into this story: one of my kids was increasingly sick as we were preparing to leave China. They would die if I told you details, so lets just say they didn’t have a sore throat. I will leave it to your imagination. Which probably still won’t do it justice. Trust me on this. They were also learning to walk and did not want to sit. Ever. Except when they passed out from crying over aforementioned illness. On top of that, we had delays that turned the trip into a 28-hour nightmare. It happened to be the 19th of the month and, on the 19th of every month following that, I would have flashbacks and shudder at the memory. I don’t know if I ever convinced the person that adoption wasn’t easy, but I sure did make their eyes glaze over.
Ordinary Parenting Badge: And since then? Like every other parent in the world, Rich and I dealt with sleep issues, potty training, tantrums, sibling fights, lack of sleep, illnesses, surgeries, boo-boos, meting out consequences, homework, friend fights, test anxieties, group project issues, dioramas, heartbreaks, college applications, college choices, and leaving home. What a roller coaster it has been!
If you're a parent, I salute you for all you have done and will do for those little cherub faces, be they one year old, 20 years old, or 40 years old. But if you're an adoptive parent, this month is for you and your children and for all those who still need families.
"Both the courage and trust of those who decide to place their babies for adoption and the enthusiasm of those who adopt them are overwhelmingly vindicated by the tens of thousands of successful adoptions that take place in this country every year." From a New York Times editorial.
"A child born to another woman calls me mom. The depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me." Jody Landers
